The Part of IVF We Don’t Talk About Enough
The emotional side of IVF and why looking after your wellbeing matters throughout fertility treatment.
There is a great deal of conversation about IVF success rates, treatment options, embryo development and the science behind fertility care. All of these things matter enormously, but there is another side of IVF that deserves just as much attention, and that is how people feel while going through it.
For some, fertility treatment begins with excitement and optimism. For others, it follows months or even years of disappointment, unanswered questions or difficult conversations. Often, it is a mixture of all these emotions, sometimes in the same day. And while the medical side of IVF follows a carefully considered treatment plan, the emotional side is rarely so predictable.
Every Fertility Experience Is Different
One of the things I have learnt over many years working in fertility medicine is that no two patients experience treatment in quite the same way. Even couples going through IVF together can have very different feelings about what is happening, how they are coping and what they need from each other.
Some patients want to understand every detail. They ask questions, research their options and feel reassured by having as much information as possible. Others prefer to take things one appointment at a time because thinking too far ahead can become overwhelming. Neither approach is right or wrong, and it’s important that we recognise these differences rather than assume everyone needs the same things.
There can also be considerable pressure outside the clinic. Pregnancy announcements, family gatherings and even well-meaning questions from friends can be surprisingly difficult, particularly for someone who has been trying to conceive for a long time.
It’s easy to underestimate how much emotional energy fertility treatment can take, especially when someone is doing their best to carry on with work, relationships and everyday life as though nothing unusual is happening.
Sometimes the Waiting Is the Hardest Part
When people think about IVF, they often imagine injections, procedures and medical appointments. These are certainly part of treatment, but over the years I’ve found that the uncertainty between appointments can be particularly difficult for patients.
Waiting to hear how many eggs have been collected, whether fertilisation has occurred, how embryos are developing or whether a pregnancy test will be positive can bring enormous anticipation. Even when treatment is progressing well, it’s natural to worry about what comes next.
And when the news isn’t what someone hoped for, the disappointment can be profound.
I think it’s important that we acknowledge these feelings rather than simply encourage patients to stay positive. There are times when people need reassurance and other times when they need clear, realistic answers. Sometimes they just need the opportunity to say that they’re finding things difficult without feeling they have to put on a brave face.
There should always be room for those conversations.
Good Fertility Care Starts With Listening
I have always believed that before discussing treatment options, test results or the next steps, we need to understand the person sitting in front of us.
That means explaining things properly, encouraging questions and recognising when someone may need additional support. It also means remembering that our patients have lives outside the clinic, with work commitments, relationships, families and financial responsibilities that don’t disappear simply because they are undergoing fertility treatment.
At No.1 Fertility, our doctors, nurses, embryologists, counsellors and patient support teams each play a different role in a patient’s care. The medical and scientific decisions are enormously important, but so are the conversations that happen along the way.
A nurse taking a few extra minutes to explain what happens next, a counsellor helping someone work through a difficult decision or a doctor making sure a patient understands their options can make a real difference.
These moments may not appear in a medical report, but they are an important part of how people experience treatment.
IVF Can Affect Relationships Too
Fertility treatment can place unexpected pressure on relationships, particularly when partners manage uncertainty differently. One person may want to talk openly about every concern, while the other prefers to keep their feelings private. Neither necessarily cares more or less. They may simply be dealing with the situation in different ways.
It can also be difficult for friends and family to know what to say. People often mean well, but advice to relax, stop worrying or keep trying isn’t always helpful. Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do is listen without feeling they need to provide a solution.
For people undertaking fertility treatment on their own, having a trusted circle of support can be equally valuable. That might include friends, family members or a professional counsellor. Equally, some patients prefer to keep their treatment private, and that decision deserves respect.
There is no single right way to navigate the emotional side of IVF, and there shouldn’t be an expectation that everyone responds in the same way.
You Don’t Have to Be Positive All the Time
This is something I feel particularly strongly about.
Patients sometimes place enormous pressure on themselves to remain positive throughout fertility treatment, almost as though feeling anxious, frustrated or upset might somehow affect their chances of success.
I would like to reassure anyone experiencing those emotions that ordinary feelings of stress, sadness or worry are not something they should blame themselves for. IVF can be demanding, and nobody should feel they have to maintain the perfect state of mind to deserve a positive outcome.
Seeking emotional support is not an admission that someone isn’t coping. Counselling can provide a confidential space to discuss concerns, explore decisions and manage the uncertainty that can accompany treatment. It can be helpful at any stage, whether someone is considering IVF for the first time, undergoing treatment or working through an unexpected result.
And it’s worth remembering that emotional support isn’t only for difficult moments. It can be just as valuable when everything appears to be going well.
Looking After the Whole Person
World Mental Health Day is an opportunity to reflect on how we support one another, but in healthcare, these conversations should never be limited to a single day.
Fertility medicine has changed enormously over the years, and advances in science continue to offer new possibilities for people hoping to have a family. Yet for all the progress we have made, there are some things that technology cannot replace. Taking the time to listen, communicating openly and treating people with kindness remain essential.
At No.1 Fertility, we cannot promise that every treatment will be successful or that every experience will be straightforward. What we can do is provide thoughtful medical care, explain the options available and recognise that there is a person behind every appointment, every test result and every treatment decision.
After many years in fertility medicine, I still believe that some of the most important conversations we have with our patients are not necessarily about medicine at all.
Because while IVF is built on science, caring for people requires something more.
Dr Lynn Burmeister
Medical Director and Fertility Specialist
No.1 Fertility